A Surprise in the Closet
by Soul's Angel
Summary: Cartman surprises Kyle by hiding out in his closet, but what he finds in said closet comes as the biggest surprise of all. Cartman/Kyle, slash.


Hey there Kyman fans! What's up? So, we may seem new to you, but we really aren't. Why am I saying 'we'? Because this is actually being posted under a joint account. Two people. Those two people being Angelic Guardian and Soul Flash. Hence the name 'Soul's Angel.'

However, only one of us can really post this, so I, Soul Flash, am doing it for now. That'll probably be switched up when we post our next collab.

Back in September, we started working on this Kyman collab, and we just finished it this week. We decided that it would be easier/better to post it under a joint account, so here we are! I'll tell you now that we worked pretty damned hard on this story, and we're really pleased with the result. We really hope you enjoy it as well. This is written in Cartman's POV, and follows the events as he tries to get revenge on Kyle, which turns into this big mess that...

Well, you'll just have to see for yourself. ;)

Enjoy!

* * *

I hate Jews.

They're such liars, and worse than that, even if you know that they're clearly lying right to your face, and you just so happen to call them out on it, they'll cover it up with ANOTHER lie, which basically creates an annoying, never ending cycle.

And, just to be clear, I'm totally _not_ speaking about any Jew in particular. I'm just being rhetorical. It's not like there's a certain Jew who claimed that he had no idea what I was talking about when I accused him of recently ripping my Clyde Frog's head off a second time...

And it's not like I didn't believe him when he said that, and then I decided that I was going to get my revenge on him for doing it.

Seriously, what kind of person would I be if that actually were the case?

But, just for the hell of it, I'm going to pay a visit to my good friend, Kyle Broflovski, who just so happens to be a Jew.

It's all just a coincidence.

Let me point this out to you now in case you miss it. Just a little heads up for you. This Jew, Kyle, is the worst of the worst. I'm seriously. No one will screw you over more, and stick their nose into your business (when they totally shouldn't and have _no_ right to; not that Jews should have _any_ rights at all) more than this asshole. He is the biggest cheating daywalker you will ever meet in your lifetime. There's no trace of soul in him whatsoever.

He's just a selfish, uncaring asshole who doesn't know when to call it quits.

I swear to God... even his voice gets on my nerves. Of course, I guess that just came with having to listen to his gay little speeches all the time when we were younger. Come to think of it, he _still_ does that shit.

He acts like he cares, and knows what's right and what's not, just to get his way with people. He's such a manipulative asshole.

What? Why do I call him a 'good friend,' but then turn around and bash him?

Well... he is a friend. Sorta. I consider him a friend, but that's just because I'm a considerate person. He doesn't think so, though. He thinks I'm a racist, arrogant, lazy bastard who doesn't care about anything else except myself. These are all lies, of course. I only point out the truth; so what if people don't think it's right or nice? At least I'm being honest.

Unlike Jews. Greedy, lying bastards...

And he totally can't call me out for being uncaring. I mean, I cried for ten minutes when I found Clyde Frog laying out on the floor of my room, his head brutally torn from his body! I'm totally caring! Clyde Frog was my best bud, my homie! When his head was ripped off the first time by that Jew rat, I had my mom fix him so that he was all better and stuff. A lot of good _that_ did.

Stupid Jew...

But whatever, that's not the point. All I'm trying to say is that at least shows I care, right? I can think of other things besides myself, and show some compassion! They just need to deserve it first.

Like the time I actually saved that Jew from dying. I cared then, didn't I? He still owes me for that. I save his life after he's mauled by a manbearpig or whatever it was, and he does nothing to pay me back for it! He didn't even do what he was supposed to do! All he had to do was suck my balls, but he never went through with that. I had to imagine it to make it real. That took a lot off effort, I'll let you know.

What?! The fuck are you talking about, bitch?! I am NOT gay! It was a bet, you stupid retard! I bet him that leprechauns were real, he lost, and he had to suck my balls.

Seriously, the fuck are you looking at?

Eh, forget it. If you don't understand, then you're just a retard, and there's no helping that. You know that you're automatically going to hell, right? Just thought I'd let you know. See, I know these things because I'm super awesome like that. I'm like Superman or Batman except I can't fly, and I don't have a super cool car. I _did_ destroy an army of Jewbots once when I had a flame power (I still can't figure out why I can't do that anymore), though. That was so totally awesome.

Anyway, what was I saying?

Oh, right. Kyle. Yeah, he sucks. I fucking hate him. It's about damn time I made him pay for ripping my precious Clyde Frog's head off. 'Cause, seriously, what he did has gone unpunished for _way_ too long.

I've almost reached his house now, and it looks like his bedroom window is open. Ha, he's such a dumbass for leaving it open. That's just gonna make it way easier for me to sneak into his room.

I stop walking and look up at his open window. This is so freaking perfect. All I have to do now is find a way to get up there...

Fortunately, I already planned that part out before I got here. I'm mad smart like that.

I grab onto the side of his house and carefully start to climb up. The outside of his house has got these small ridges that make it easier to hold onto. (Of course, it also helps that I've got super amazing upper body strength, but I really don't like to brag about stuff like that. I'm a very modest person.)

I tighten the grasp I have on the wall as I put a hand on the edge of his window. I start to lift myself up then, and as I do, my arms start to shake a little. I hastily search for something else to grab onto, and I decide to use the curtain, since it's right in front of me. I reach out with my free hand and claw onto it, pulling with all my strength so that I can get inside.

I feel myself start to move, so I tug on the curtain a little more, when finally, I come crashing forward onto the floor.

Ow. Fuck. Why does that _always_ happen to me every single time I sneak into this son of a bitch's room?!

I slowly get up, rubbing my sore shoulder and looking around his empty room. Thank God he isn't in here. I wonder where the hell he is though...

Well, whatever, I don't have time to worry about that right now. I have to hurry up and do what I came here to do before anyone finds me. That would seriously suck if someone (like his bitchy mother, for example) were to catch me.

Alright, let's see now... What should I break of his? There's so many options that I'm not really sure where to start. Maybe I'll start with-

I suddenly freeze. What the fuck? Did I just hear...

Holy shit.

Footsteps?! Is that footsteps?! Oh, goddammit! Somebody's fucking coming!

Shit, I have to hide!

I quickly rush over to the only place I can think to hide in: the closet. I run inside it and pull the door almost all the way closed. My heartbeat skyrockets when I hear the footsteps drawing closer. I peer through the tiny opening I left in the closet door to see who it is that just walked in, and sure enough, who do you think I see?

Yeah, that's right. It's Kyle. Wow, maybe you aren't such a complete dumbass like I thought you were.

...

What? I'm the dumbass?! Eh, excuse me! Who was the one who so skillfully sneaked into this stupid Jew's room?

Uh huh. That's what I thought, bitch. Now shut the fuck up, and leave me to my work. I need to figure out what this retard is doing...

Hope he doesn't know I'm in here. If he does, I'm in big trouble.

Why, you ask? Why do you think, retard?! Kyle's a Jew. A Jew. Need I say anymore?

...

'What does that have to do with anything'?! Are you fucking stupid?! For Christ's sake... The Jew magic!

...

You really are clueless, aren't you? Dammit, I don't have time to explain it to you! Figure it out for yourself!

Idiot...

Now, if you'll be so kind as to leave me the fuck alone, I need to watch him and see what he's planning now. Something to make my life even more miserable, I'm sure. This asshole is always looking for someway to screw with my life. He just doesn't stop. It's, like, a hobby of his or something.

...No, dipshit. I don't fuck with Kyle as a hobby. It's the other way around. Why don't you get your ears checked so you don't make a complete ass out of yourself like you just did right now?

...

What in the hell is your problem?! I'm the ass?! _I'm_ the one giving you the advice to check your ears, so you can save yourself the embarrassment of saying stupid shit like you've been doing!

You need some serious mental help, my friend.

Well, okay! Fine! I'm not your friend, either! I don't make friends with douchebags like you anyway! Now fuck off!

Oh shit! Shhh, shh, shh! Quiet! He's doing something!

Peeking through the tiny crack of the closet door, I notice that he's... he's...

Holy shit!

Look away, look away, look away!!! I squeeze my eyes shut because I definitely do not want to see that!

...Too bad that's short lived because I open my eyes again.

Dammit, NO! Look. Away!

What's he doing, you ask? He's changing, that's what he's doing! He's undressing himself to show all of his naked glory, and I can't. Look. Away!

Shut the fuck up! I. Am. Not. Gay. No way. And if I was gay, I would never, ever have the hots for this retard! That would be like committing suicide!

His ass is too skinny anywa- FUCK, WHAT AM I THINKING?!!!

...

Shut up! I am so not blushing! I'm just getting sick, that's all! I am not attracted to this stupid Jew! Never have been and never will be! So shut. The fuck. Up.

...

Oh god... Oh no. Lame. Super fucking lame. Donkey ball sucking lame.

He's heading. This. Way.

Great. I had to pick the goddamned closet to hide in. Well, can you blame me? There wasn't anywhere else to go!

Shit. I'm in so much fucking trouble it's not even funny. No, I'm seriously. It is NOT funny. Stop laughing, you asshole! I'll twist your nuts off if you don't stop it right now! Shut up! Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!!

...I'm going to kill you over and over again once I get out of here.

I hold my breath as he draws closer and closer, and just as I'm beginning to think that I'm totally done for, he stops and turns around.

Phew. That was a close one.

A little _too_ fucking close...

God. DAMMIT! My heart is practically in my fucking throat right now!

Holy shit. I feel like I'm gonna pass out... I seriously need to calm down before I give myself a goddamn heart attack or something.

I take a long, much-needed breath and exhale deeply.

Well, that's a little better, I guess. At least now my heart isn't beating so fucking fast like it was before. I don't really feel lightheaded anymore, either.

Huh. Figures it would be this stupid Jew making me feel like that in the first place...

...

Shut up! I didn't fucking mean it like that!

I swear to God, you're _really_ starting to get on my nerves. Get this through your retarded fucking head: I'm NOT gay, and I definitely do NOT think Kyle is hot! I see him as nothing but an annoying Jew who's always getting in my way and ruining everything for me. I absolutely hate him more than anyone else in the whole fucking world. I'm seriously, words can't even express how deep my hatred is for him. It's like, beyond any other hatred I've ever had for anything EVER.

Okay?! Do you fucking understand me now?!

And I'm not being defensive, either! The only reason I keep repeating myself is because _you_ seem to think that I'm lying and trying to cover up my feelings or some shit.

Well, I'm not.

Alright then. Glad we understand each other.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna direct my attention back to Kyle...

I look through the tiny gap in the door again. My eyes dart around the room, searching for the Jew, but to my surprise, he's nowhere to be seen.

The fuck? Where the hell did he go? He was just there a second ago... walking around... naked...

AHHHHHH, OH GOD, NO! Must get that image out of my head! Must stop thinking about it!

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying my fucking hardest to picture something else - ANYTHING ELSE - in my mind. Alright, let's see... Right now I'm thinking of...

...Kyle sucking my balls.

FUCK.

Well, at least I'm not picturing him naked-

DOUBLE FUCK.

Okay, that does it. I have to get the fuck out of here. If I stay any longer, I'm just gonna end up seeing something else that will permanently scar me for life.

Even though I'm pretty sure that what I just saw was probably the worst, most disgusting thing I'll ever see in my entire life.

Alright, here it goes. Wish me luck.

...

Well, fine, don't then! Bitch. I hope you die.

I place my hand on top of the doorknob, and then, very slowly and cautiously, I start pushing the door open. The door moves no more than an inch when suddenly, I hear a noise and immediately pull my hand away from the doorknob.

Fuck me.

"Dammit, where did I put that shirt...?"

I hear the whisper from outside the door and immediately freeze. Fuck, I'm about to have a fucking heart attack here! Stupid-

Huh? Who is it?

WHO ELSE IS IT GONNA BE, RETARD?!

IT'S KYLE!

God, you are the dumbest piece of-

"What in the hell are you doing in my closet, fatass?"

...

...

TRIPLE FUCK.

I stare up above me to see none other than the stupid Jew standing right over me, his hands on his hips as he stares me down with the darkest death glare I've ever seen on his face.

At least he finally put some fucking pants on, so I don't have to look at-

STOP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

God. DAMMIT!

"Well?! Answer me, retard!" he barks, stomping his foot on the ground in irritation.

Ugh. Here we go again. I roll my eyes. I don't see why he's so fucking mad already. It's not _my_ fault he found me in the closet. Eh, I mean, he was the one who walked over here and opened the fucking door! If he had given me just another minute, another fucking minute, I would have already been out of here and on my merry way! But no. He had to be a fucking dumbass and open the fucking door on me, and why?! All because he was looking for a stupid shirt.

Goddamn Jews ruin everything...

I'm suddenly yanked up by the collar and shaken violently for the longest time, brought up right to Kyle's face to where I can practically feel his fucking breath on my cheek.

...Disgusting.

"Goddammit, answer me you asshole!" he yells right into my face, leaving me nearly deaf.

...This Jew is about to get his face punched in if he doesn't stop it. I'm seriously.

...

I don't fucking care if this is his house and I had no right to sneak into it in the first place! I had every right to sneak in here! Fuck, I don't even have to have a right to sneak into Kyle's house! I do whatever I want, bitch!

Whatever. I. Want.

So shut the fudge up, kiss my fudgin' ass, get the fudge out, and go fudge yourself.

Turning my attention back to the other retard in the room (I swear, the whole world is full of idiots), I take a deep breath, slowly let it out, and stare him right back in the face.

"Why I'm here is of no importance to you, Jew." I spit, snarling just the slightest bit for means of looking intimidating. "It just so happens I was about to leave, so if you don't mind letting go-"

"No importance?!" he explodes, shaking me some more, "I have every right to know, you son of a bitch! This is my fucking room and my fucking closet! Now tell me why you're hiding in here, and don't tell me it's because you're absolutely and totally in love with me, and came to watch me from my closet because you're about to 'come out yourself'! It's not fucking funny anymore, asshole!" Before I can say something in retaliation, he adds, "And it wasn't funny in the first place!"

Damn. Jew boy's still uptight about that? What a pussy.

Heh. Well, now that I think about it... he would be better suited as a chick. He's always got that sand in his vagina... not to mention that ass would go a lot better on a chick's body than a freaking guy's. I mean, he's got a fine fucking ass, but-

NO! STOP THAT! STOP, STOP, STOP!!

...

...My god. What's wrong with me? I was just thinking about-

NO, GODDAMMIT!

...Oh, fuck.

I need help. Bad.

I let out another long sigh.

"All right, you _really_ wanna know why I'm here?" I ask.

Kyle scoffs. "Uh, YES, dumbass!" he shouts.

God, he doesn't need to be so fucking rude...

"Well, Kyle," I begin as I grab onto his hands, which are still clutching onto my collar, practically choking me to fucking death. "Being the kind and generous person that I am," I go on, finally prying his hands from my collar. Ah, thank GOD. That's so much better. "I thought I'd do you a little favor and organize your closet."

He stares at me blankly. It's one of those bored looks, where his eyes are half-lidded, and he's frowning at me...

Goddammit, why the fuck is he looking at me like that?!

"Do you honestly expect me to believe that?" he asks in a monotone voice.

I blink. Um... yes?

"Well, yeah, Jew, why shouldn't you believe me?" I ask, shrugging.

He lowers his eyebrows, and the look on his face turns furious. "Are you FUCKING kidding me?!" he screams. "Dude... _please_ tell me you're joking."

"Oh, no, I'm seriously, Kyle," I say, trying my best to sound perfectly calm. 'Cause, if I'm being completely honest here... I'm kinda scared shitless. I mean, I'm pretty sure this crazy son of a bitch wants to hit me...

Not that I couldn't take him. After all, I'm super fucking strong.

"So," he says, "you're telling me that you sneaked into my room, in the middle of the fucking night, and hid yourself in my closet so that you could 'clean it'?"

Goddammit, why'd he just make fucking air quotes?!

"Exactly," I reply, nodding and smiling sweetly.

He folds his arms over his chest. His bare, naked chest-

MOTHERFUCKER!

I hate this Jew so fucking much. Especially right now, since he's making me think such horrible, dirty thoughts...

"You are, without a doubt, the most retarded person I have ever had the misfortune of knowing," he says coldly.

Pssh. He's such an over-dramatic little bitch.

"Well, geez, Kyle, I decide to do you a favor out of the kindness of my own heart, and-"

"Oh, please, you were NOT doing me a fucking favor, fatass!" he rudely interrupts me. "You were probably searching through my closet, trying to find pictures of me to use as blackmail or something."

Holy shit. That's a fucking awesome idea. Why the hell didn't I think of that?!

All of a sudden, he stiffens, like he just realized something fucking awful.

"Shit. You, uh, didn't actually, you know..." he hesitates a little bit, but then he asks, "You didn't actually _see_ anything in there, did you?"

Hearing this immediately sparks my interest like you have absolutely no fucking idea.

My lips curl upward into a devious smirk. I stroke my chin, pretending to be in deep thought. "Hmm, you know, now that you mention it, Kyle, I believe I _do_ remember seeing something.... something quite interesting..." I pause. Shit, I need to come up with something quick.

Goddammit. Oh, wait a minute... maybe this'll work...

"Does a... certain picture of... a certain someone ring a bell?" I ask.

I hope to fucking GOD that that was enough to get him to think that I know whatever the hell it is he's referring to.

His eyes widen. Holy shit, did that actually fucking work?!

"Okay, okay, look," he says hastily, "just because I have that picture of you in there doesn't mean that I actually _look_ at it or anything..."

My heart stops.

Wait, WHAT?!

"What... did you... say?" I ask slowly and quietly, giving him a look.

"N-Nothing! Nothing!" he immediately says, trying to cover up what he just said.

Oh no. No fucking way. I'm not letting him get away with this.

I'll drag the truth out of him no matter what it takes. Even if it means tying him to a chair, you know, binding his wrists together and making him cry, forcing the truth out of him, making him submit to me like the little bitch he-

...

FUCK!

STOP THAT.

Goddammit. I really need to pull it together if I'm gonna get him to tell me about this picture he has of me. Before he kicks me out of his house, whining and bitching along the way. He's already trying to pull me out of the closet, so I better start now.

Not that he can actually pull me out. Like I said, I'm super fucking strong. Him trying to pull me is like a fucking feather trying to pull a bowling ball or something.

Yeah. I'm just super awesome like that.

...

No, you asshole! I am NOT fat and round like a bowling ball! How many times have I asked you to get the fuck out of here?! Seriously, I'm about to stop being nice, and just slap you into next week. Now either shut the fuck up, or get the fuck out.

Thank. You.

I look up at Kyle, pushing his arms off me again as he tries to pull me out of the closet. He's so damn touchy-feely. It's kinda hot, but still-

GODAMMIT.

"Kyle, what?!" I manage to say, trying as hard as I can to hold a small blush back. Stupid thoughts...

He just growls and reaches for me again, tugging at my shirt in an attempt to drag me out again. Hate to say it, but he's fighting a losing battle. I'm just too super fucking awesome to let myself be dragged out of a closet by a skinny ass Jew like him.

...

No, I mean it literally.

You idiot! I'm not fucking gay! Get out of here, seriously!

...No, I do NOT take things metaphorically! Eh, forget you! I have more important matters to take care of. Namely finding that supposed picture that Kyle has of me... If he's not gonna bother telling me the truth, I'm just gonna have to find out for myself.

Ignoring the Jew tugging at my shirt, I turn around in the closet and start digging around. Tossing aside shoes, old toys, and other random crap that stupid Jews keep in their closets, I stumble upon an old shoebox that has something sticking out of the top.

Bingo.

This must be it.

"Cartman, stop it!" Kyle barks, tugging harder at the back of my shirt. "Get the fuck out of there!"

Double bingo. That's a definite clue that I've struck gold. He wouldn't act that way if it wasn't something super special and secret.

I open the box and grin as I do so, ecstatic that I'll finally have some fucking blackmail on this dumb Jew. Seriously, I'm running out of stuff to use. I never really had that much in the first place; the retard's so stuck up about guarding his shit. Not to mention it's kind of a bitch to get into his house, really. The getting there is pretty easy, but the rest is a bitch. Especially when he's actually in his room all naked and shit like he was just a few minutes-

...

No, I am NOT going there again. Nuh uh. No.

Though the fact that it's a picture of me is creeping me out more than you'll ever know (it's so fucking creepy, man), I'm more than eager to see this. I'm seriously, this is going to be great.

...

...

Holy. Crap.

The whole box is fucking full!

Thousands of pictures...! Of me....! Mostly in gym class, or when I'm working out...!

...

And is that me in my bathroom?!

...

Oh my-

How in the FUCK did he get all of these pictures?!

...I think I'm gonna be sick. Not just from the fact that it's Kyle, fucking KYLE Broflovski who has all these pictures, but also because...

I'm almost flattered.

...

Shut up. I am not gay!

Seriously, I thought we've been over this! How many fucking times do I have to tell you? God, just shut the hell up already!

Skank.

...Yeah, that's right, I called you a skank! And there's nothing you can do about it, either!

Goddammit, you're so fucking annoyi-

The fuck?! THE FUCK?! Dude...

Am I... seeing this correctly...?

I slowly and shakily pick up one of the photos of me and just stare at it. My jaw drops.

Holy.

Fucking.

Shit.

I'M FUCKING NAKED IN THIS PICTURE!

OH MY _GOD!_ Is this fucking for real?! When the fuck did he take this picture?! It must've been while I was changing in the locker room after gym class...

This is just... wow...

What the FUCK?!

This is unbelievable. I'm speechless. I've literally never been so fucking shocked before in my entire fucking life.

My ENTIRE fucking life!

...Fuck you! I am NOT overreacting! I have every right to be acting like this! Please, bitch, you'd be freaking out too if you just found out that the person you thought totally fucking hated you for so many years apparently stalks you and has a whole shoe box full of pictures of you hidden away in his fucking closet!

Just when I'm about to make a comment about this picture, Kyle suddenly snatches it right out of my hands.

"Wow, uh... wow, how the hell did this get in here? This, uh... I-I, um..." he stammers.

I slowly turn around and look at him. His face is completely red, and he's fumbling with the photo in his hands. I must still have that stunned, wide-eyed, open-mouthed, 'holy fucking shit!' look on my face, because the next thing he says is, "S-Stop looking at me like that, fatass!"

But I keep doing it anyway. I just can't help it. I mean... Dude. Seriously.

...Am I fucking dreaming right now or something?

I exhale a long breath that I didn't even realize I was holding in. "Kyle..." I start to say, but then my mind just goes blank.

Shit. Um... What was I gonna say again...?

Oh, right. I remember now.

"What the FUCK, Kyle?!" I scream, causing the flustered, shirtless Jew to flinch in surprise.

"O-Okay, dude, just calm down!" he says, holding up his hands. "I can explain!"

"What the hell is there for you to explain, Kyle?!" I shout, my voice still at the highest fucking volume it can possibly reach.

"Dude, stop fucking screaming!" he screams back at me just as loud. "My mom's gonna hear you!"

"I don't care!" I yell. I pause and take another deep breath, because I seriously need all the air I can fucking get right now, otherwise I'm definitely gonna pass out. "Just answer me this, Kyle... how long have you been taking pictures of me?!"

He blinks. "W-What?" he stutters.

"You heard me!"

He looks down and starts rubbing the back of his neck. "I-I don't know..." he answers in practically a fucking whisper.

"Yes you do! Just answer the goddamn question!" I command.

He'd better respect my authoritah. If he doesn't, I'll just have to _make_ him respect my authoritah by chaining him up and-

Oh, GODDAMMIT! NO! Bad thoughts, BAD THOUGHTS! Go away! Fuck.

"N-No!" he says, still avoiding my eyes. "Just... get out of here, fatass!"

The fuck?

"But... why do you want me to leave, Kyle?" I ask. "I mean, you obviously have the hots for me, so I thought-"

"_WHAT?!_" he shrieks. "I do NOT have the hots for you, fatass!"

I snort at this, trying my hardest to stifle a laugh. "Right, Kyle, and _I_ totally don't have the hots for _you_," I say sarcastically.

Seriously, he's clearly in love with me. Why can't he just admit-

Wait.

What did I just say...?

Oh, BALLS. Shit, shit, shit! I didn't mean to say that!

GODDAMMIT!

I'm screwed.

I hope he doesn't catch that, I REALLY hope he doesn't catch that...

"...What did you just say?" he asks slowly, narrowing his eyes at me and smirking in that 'I know what you said, and am totally calling you out for it, but am acting completely innocent about it' way.

That motherfucker. That stupid motherfucker.

Fuck! The roles just _had_ to switch themselves, didn't they?! Now _I'm_ the one having to cover up for _my_ stupid mistake.

I wish I had that fucking time-traveling company now. I'm so seriously.

"N-Nothing! Nothing!"

Well, so much for acting cool and like I have no clue what he's talking about. Goddammit!

...

I'd like to see you try and do this, asshole! Seriously, get out of my face! I have enough to deal with as it is without your smartass comments! There's only room enough for one smartass in this town, and that smartass is me! So if you would kindly get the fuck out of here...

"Nothing?" Kyle scoffs, crossing his skinny arms over that naked... soft... white... I really need to stop thinking gay thoughts about this stupid Jew because I'm NOT gay for him. I just had a slip of the tongue a few seconds ago- "Nothing my ass!"

...

And what a nice ass that-

GOD. DAMMIT!

Why? WHY?! Please, tell me why I'm having these thoughts! Why I can't. Fucking. Get. Them. OUT. OF MY HEAD.

"Dude? Dude, chill out!"

It's only when Kyle says that and reaches over to grab my arm that I realize I'm hitting the shit out of my head with my fist.

Fuck.

I'm going insane. No doubt about it. But I don't understand why! I was totally and completely normal before this! I've never had any mental problems in my life! Why are they starting now?!

...

...And why isn't this stupid Jew letting go of my wrist? I've quit the hitting. He can totally let go of me now. But he's not.

Heh. Dude, he's totally gay for me. Heh, t-that's it. He _wants_ to hold my hand. B-Because he totally has the hots for me. Heh heh, yeah. Stupid Jew.

"Dude. You're blushing."

...

...What did he just say?

I blink, giving him a nice scowl. How dare he fucking- The nerve of this Jew! This sneaky, lying, deceiving Jew rat!

"I am NOT!" I bark, purposefully spitting the words in his face.

Seriously, how can I be blushing?! I don't. Like. This. Retard! He's... h-he's lying! Yeah, totally lying! See, I fucking told you! Jews are all the same, and this one is no exception! He's a lying, cheating bastard! He's only telling me this to freak me out even more! I'll bet this sneaky son of a bitch has a camera hidden somewhere and is filming all of this so that he can use it against me later. He probably _knew_ that I was going to sneak into his room and try to get revenge for Clyde Frog, and he set this whole little act up to film me!

That. No. Good. Dirty. Filthy. Jew rat!!!

He merely snorts, yanking me forward towards the door and in front of a mirror. "What, don't believe me fatass?" he laughs, "See for yourself."

The mirror's on the inside of his door, which I'm facing now because he so kindly YANKED me in front of it to show me this so called 'blush.' Eh, seriously, what retard has a fucking mirror hanging on his door anyway? Is it so he can see how pretty and cute he looks in the morning before he heads to school? Heh, what a fag.

Seriously, what a dumbass! He doesn't need to look in a fucking mirror to see how cute he fucking looks in the morning!

He looks cute regardless.

...

...No. No. I did not just think that. Just...

GODDAMMIT! I AM SICK OF THIS! SERIOUSLY!

"Well?" he says after a long stretch of silence, breaking up my thoughts, "Am I right, or am I right, fatass?"

Oh no. Oh no. I am NOT letting him win this time! I will prove to him that I am NOT blushing, and that I do NOT have the hots for him! I've won against him before, and I will win again! I swear it!

We'll see how that stupid fag reacts when he realizes that I'm not blushing! He'll realize that I'm SO not into him, and then he'll cry like the little bitch he is, and I'll finally, FINALLY be able to taste his tears. Oh yes. His salty, bitter tears. I've been waiting years, YEARS to taste those. God, I bet they're so fucking good. There's nothing better than tasting someone's misery. And then, just to get him to cry some more, I'll tie him to a chair, bind his skinny little wrists together, and rub it in his face. Rub in the fact that I don't have the hots for him. That I never will. His heart will be so fucking broken, and he'll just cry and cry, and he'll be writhing and sobbing tied up to that chair, and it'll be so fucking hot-

...

NO!

I snap my eyes open from my mental bliss turned nightmare to see the worst possible thing I've ever seen in my life.

...No, asshole! Not my own face! I happen to be super awesomely hot, thank you!

No. It's the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm seriously. My stomach drops to where I'm almost convinced that I don't _have_ a stomach anymore (but I really do hope I still have it because I'm fucking hungry...) as I look at my reflection in the mirror.

...

I'm blushing.

HARD.

...Goddammit.

Why does this fucking Jew always have to be right about everything?!

I seriously hate him so much. I'm totally gonna make him pay for this.

I turn my head sharply and glare at the no-good son of a bitch, who STILL has that goddamn smirk on his face.

"Go on," he says, the smug smile on his face growing even wider. "Tell me I'm right, fatass."

Wow, is he fucking kidding me right now? Does he honestly think I'm about to admit that he's right? Because if he does, then he is horribly, horribly mistaken, for I, Eric Cartman, will NEVER admit that this pesky little Jew rat is right. Ever. About anything.

Especially not to his face.

I'm not going to give him the satisfaction. There's just no fucking way.

So, instead of giving him the answer he so desperately wants to hear from me, I simply smile back at him and reply, "I don't think so, Kyle."

He furrows his eyebrows. "But you _just_ saw yourself in the mirror!" he says angrily. "Come on, you know I'm right, fatass!"

Goddammit, why can't he just let this thing go already?!

All right. That does it. It's time for me to teach this Jew a lesson once and for all. I didn't wanna have to resort to this, but it looks like it's my only way out...

I turn around completely, and look directly into his eyes. His... sexy... green eyes...

Just when I'm about to say something, I suddenly feel a weird tingly feeling in my stomach (at least now I know I still have one). It's like a warm, fluttering feeling...

Oh, fuck.

It's butterflies. I have fucking BUTTERFLIES in my stomach!

AHHH! Why is he doing this to me?! I swear I've never felt like this before, and I'm not gonna lie; it's really freaking me the fuck out.

I'm guessing I must have some kind of scared look on my face or something, because Kyle just frowns and very slowly asks, "...What? What's wrong?"

I try to shake away my thoughts and snap back to reality.

"I, uh..." I begin, but then I trail off from there, and somehow, I instantly forget what the fuck I was going to say.

Shit. I must sound like a fucking idiot right now. I hate this. This whole situation is _really_ starting to piss me off. I need to gain back control. I won't let Kyle win. I'd rather DIE than let that happen. I'm fucking seriously.

All right, come on, Eric, think! Think, goddammit, think!

I frantically search my mind for a good idea... ANY idea, really, that will finally get me out of this fucking awkward situation...

Out of a nowhere, a light bulb goes off in my head.

YES. It's fucking perfect! Such a super, awesome idea... Why didn't I think of it before?!

Ay, fuck you! It wasn't because I was distracted by Kyle's hot, sexy green eyes!

...Yes, I realize what I just said. You think I care, bitch? It does NOT mean I'm fucking in love with him and want to have sex with him! That's just gay!

I clear my throat a little bit. "Uh, you know, Kyle..." I say in a sly tone, "you're blushing too."

Okay, that was a lie. He's not _actually_ blushing...

...yet.

The expression on his face immediately changes from a semi-concerned look to an extremely pissed off one. "What?! No I'm not, fatass!" he protests.

Heheh. I knew he was gonna put up a fight. I love it when he does this. It's such a turn-on.

...

I fucking give up.

"Yeah, you are, Kyle," I persist with even more confidence in my voice.

"No, I'm not, Cartman," he says firmly.

Ha. He's starting to get all agitated. This is awesome.

"Yeah, you totally are," I say again, taking a step closer to him.

He maintains his stance and narrows his eyes, like he's trying to be all tough. "No, I'm NOT."

"YEAH, you are!"

"NO, I'M-"

But I don't give him the chance to finish that sentence because I quickly grab him by the cheeks, and pull him harshly toward me.

My lips collide against his, and as soon as they do, I feel a shock of adrenaline shoot through my veins.

At first he doesn't move. He just stays there, allowing our lips to press together.

But then I feel the touch of a cold, sweaty hand slowly clasp over my neck, followed by the other. My heart starts beating faster when he wraps his arms completely around my neck. I relax myself in his hold, and the kiss between us starts to soften...

Eventually I pull away and open my eyes to see Kyle staring at me, his green eyes wide with shock. His lips are still parted, and he looks totally flustered.

I pant several times, trying to catch my breath.

"You... are now..." I say breathlessly.

He's silent for a few seconds before he turns as red as a fucking cherry (or even better, a Jewish tomato, heh), and gives me the darkest glare he's given me all this time.

"I. Can't. Fucking. Stand. You." he seethes, growling through clenched teeth.

Psh. Totally for show. He knows I'm fucking right, and that he totally just enjoyed that. I tell him just that.

"Really now, Kyle?" I draw out his name just to see him squirm. He does. I smirk. Totally sweet. "Because I'd like to think otherwise, judging by how you were totally hanging on me just now. Tell me, Kyle, are you that desperate for attention, or am I just that hot?"

I smirk even wider as he shakes with rage. I love it when he's angry. Totally love it.

"Get. Out. Of. My. Room." he grounds out again, pointing harshly to the door.

I glance over to the door, chuckle for a second, then look back at him. Do I totally have him now. "Aw, what's the matter, my dear Jew?" I ask as sweetly as I can, reaching over to pinch his flustered cheek. He growls, and I pull my hand away. "Am I... bothering you?" he shakes even more as I say this to which I smirk even wider; my entire being is about to fucking burst from joy. I continue my teasing. "Is it too... hot for you? Would a... banana help to calm your nerves?"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I RIP YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF, YOU MORONIC, SELF-CENTERED, RACIST, INTOLERANT, MANIPULATIVE SOCIOPATH!!!"

...

...

God, that's such a turn-on.

"What did I do wrong?" I ask innocently, batting my eyelashes for added effect. No, I'm not trying to act innocent, I'm just trying to piss him off even more. I wanna see him really explode. That would be super sweet.

But I don't get that satisfaction. At all. He totally does a one-eighty on me. After he takes a deep breath and lets it out, he looks straight at me, trapping me again with those stupid, beautiful green eyes of his.

...Aw, son of a bitch.

Don't lose it, Cartman! Don't lose it! You still have the upper hand here! Stay strong!

"Nothing." he says in a calm tone, walking over and sitting on his bed like nothing happened. Like he wasn't just shouting loud enough to break the fucking walls a second ago. "You did nothing wrong, Cartman."

...

...Huh? W-Wuh... What?

The fuck is he talking about?

...Oh, oh. Oh! I get it. Why that no good, stupid-

He's trying to catch me off guard! That no good, lying, cheating bastard...! Why, I should-

"Don't fuck with me, Jew!" I bark, anger flashing across my face. "I know what you're doing! You can't trick me! I know you better than that!"

What happens next is something I wasn't expecting. Or looking forward to for that matter. Instead of fighting back, like he usually does, he just shakes his head and closes his eyes.

"I'm not trying to trick you, Cartman." He sighs in frustration, opening his eyes again to look at me. "Don't you fucking get it? Can't you get it through that thick skull of yours? Or do I have to piece it together for you?"

"Uh... what?" Is all I can manage to say.

To this he snarls, gets up forcefully, stalks over to me, and yanks me forward by the collar of my shirt.

"I. Fucking. Like. You. You. Idiot!"

Each word he spits out is accompanied by a harsh shake, and by the time he's done, my head is throbbing like a bitch.

Shit, think he could have pieced it together just a little more gently than that? Just a little? Fuck.

I mean, damn. I was too busy trying to keep my head together (literally) that I totally missed what he just said.

"What?" I ask in a meek voice. I prepare myself for his outburst because I know it's coming.

...

"ARRRRRRGH!!!"

What did I tell ya?

I totally called it. Ha, I'm so awesome.

But damn, I really wish he didn't just scream like that. I think my ears are fucking ringing now. Goddamn annoying Jew...

He sighs deeply and finally lets go of my collar. "I said," he begins, his voice practically falling to a fucking whisper that I can barely even hear him, "I fucking LIKE you, you idiot."

My heart starts pounding wildly in my chest. He... what?

Okay, I know I asked this before, but dude... am I fucking dreaming right now? Seriously, did I just imagine him saying that? Someone needs to fucking slap me or something, just to make sure that this is for real.

...No, that doesn't mean I want YOU to slap me, bitch! It's just a figure of speech! Stop being so fucking stupid!

I stay frozen, gawking at him, unsure how the fuck I should respond to that. Do I tell him that I...?

He suddenly smirks at me, and lets out a small chuckle.

The hell? What's so fucking funny?! Oh, goddammit, he _is_ fucking messing with me, isn't he?! I fucking knew it! That no-good son of a-

He then reaches his arm out, tucks his hand underneath my jaw, and gently pushes it up.

...Fuck, I didn't even realize my jaw was hanging open. God, I'm so stupid...

"If you still think that I'm messing with you, you're way off, fatass." he chuckles quietly, shaking his head.

...Damn, he's good. When in the hell did this fucking Jew get to be so perceptive? Seriously?

...And why in the hell does my face feel like it's on fire?

No! It's not because I fucking miss his hand on my jaw!

...Or is it?

...

Oh, didn't I tell you that I gave up already?! And I thought I asked you to fucking leave, too! Bitch!

I look back at Kyle only to see that fucking disgusting smirk still on his face. He knows that he's right. He... fucking knows! Goddammit, I fucking hate it when this happens! Hate it!

I need a good comeback, and fast.

Trying as hard as I can to clear the fuzziness in my mind, I stutter out a response. "I-I wasn't thinking that, y-you dumb Jew!"

Hey, at least it's something.

But it's not enough to break him down. If anything, his smirk gets wider. God...dammit! I fucking hate this game!

"No, you totally were. Cartman," here his smirk fades completely, "I'm serious. I'm not messing with you. What..." he takes a deep sigh, lets it out, and looks to the ground, "What do you think the pictures are for?"

It doesn't take me long to come up with an answer for that one.

"To humiliate and demean me? Revenge and or blackmail to make up for all the times I've fucked with you?"

He growls and shakes his head, probably thinking something like, 'Oh my god, he's such an idiot,' or, 'What a retard.' Psh, like I care. He walks over, past me, and into his closet, drags the box of pictures out, and sifts through a few. When he finds what he's looking for, he holds the pictures up, giving me a hard stare while he does so.

"Cartman, do any of these pictures of you show anything humiliating about you that I could possibly use as blackmail? Really. Look at me with a straight face and try to tell me that I might, in the slightest chance in hell, be able to use these pictures to screw with your life."

I take a good look at the pictures he's holding out in front of me, and I can't help but blink. These pictures aren't bad (like that one before of me... you know), but I still can't help but wonder...

Where in the fuck did he get these?

I mean, a picture of me working out in the gym after school? Of me in a suit in my English class (most likely during a presentation), a class that I DON'T share with him? Of me asleep in my room at night?

Talk about a fucking stalker.

I point at the picture of me asleep, and say in more of a question than a statement, "You could draw funny things on me here?"

A few seconds of silence passes before he rolls his eyes and yanks the pictures away from me. "Cartman, unlike you, I don't spend all of my free time thinking up new ways to fuck up people's lives. I have better things to do."

A devious grin crosses my face. He totally set himself up for this one.

"Like get off to pictures of me?"

I wait patiently for the scream that I know is going to follow.

...

It doesn't come.

Instead, he sighs and nods his head in the most nonchalant fucking manner. "Yeah. Pretty much."

I freeze here.

That's it. I just freeze. Nothing else.

I don't even know where I am anymore. Not until I feel something on my shoulder, shaking me slightly.

Oh so gently...

Gah, snap out of it, Eric!

"Cartman?" I can faintly hear Kyle's amused voice. Irritating the fuck out of me... "I was just kidding."

"Fuck you, Jew!" Don't ask me how I managed to respond that fast after being shocked out of my mind. I just did, dude.

"Heh, well, I wouldn't really mind that," he chuckles, pissing me off even more.

"Goddammit, stop fucking messing with me!" I shout, stomping my foot in frustration.

He only shouts back, still in an amused way, "That's the thing! I'm not!"

I stop for a second and let my anger subside a little, allowing him to continue.

"I want you! I like you! Can't you get that through your fucking head, just for one second! Forget our rivalry, our hatred for each other, and think! Fucking think! Get your fucking mind off of that me tricking you shit, and accept what I'm saying! I. Like. You."

"You're not... you're not lying?" I manage to ask softly, my voice barely a whisper. I don't know where in the hell my voice went. I think it jumped out the window or something.

He shakes his head emphatically. "No! I'm. Not. Lying, Cartman."

"...What am I supposed to say to that?"

At this, he stops and gives me an unsure glance. He shrugs, "I-I... I don't know. You don't have to say anything really. It's not like I'm expecting for you to like me back or anything. I mean... sometimes I wonder about this myself-"

Oh my god... he's getting into that contemplative state again. Always questions with him.

...What, you think I hate it? Well, I _used_ to hate it. But now...

...I can't help but love it.

"...not sure if I should like you or not. I know it's totally wrong, not to mention against my morals completely. You know how I am about that-"

Yes. I know all too well, Kyle. All... too... well...

"...taking those pictures because I couldn't get enough. I kept telling myself that it was weird, and creepy, and wrong, but I still-"

Oh Christ. His face is twisting into that thoughtful look. Oh, look, even his nose is scrunching in that... that way...!

...God, I can't fucking stand it.

"Cartman?"

I can't fucking stand it.

"Cartman? What the hell has gotten into you?"

And now he's looking at me with those eyes. Dammit, those beautiful eyes.

"Hey, Cartman?"

I can't give in, I can't give in.

"Cartman."

Oh, fuck it.

"Cart-"

I lunge forward and yank him towards me again, pressing his lips against mine once again. This time, however, it's for a different reason. A different reason completely.

I had to. I just had to. The way he said my name just now... that stern, almost commanding voice...

I don't give a fuck what you say.

I'm fucking gay.

And I'm in love with Kyle Broflovski.

And by the way he's responding to this kiss... moving his lips against mine, giving me (and him too, probably) that dizzy, fuzzy feeling... oh god, I feel so fucking dizzy...

By the way he's doing that... I'm pretty damned convinced.

He's in love with me, too.

...Heh.

Won't we make the perfect pair?

* * *

You made it to the end? Great! I'm really glad that you did because this thing was loooong. Really long, right? Still, I hope that it was enjoyable, regardless of its length. If we did our job right, you didn't want to stop reading until you were completely and absolutely done with it.

...I really hope we did that right. XD

I only kid. We really hope that you enjoyed this as much as we enjoyed writing it. I will mention that we're planning to write the same story in Kyle's POV, so if you liked this one, then you have that to look forward to. We'll finish that as soon as we can so that you can read the chaos all over again! ;D

Again, we hope that you found this a good read, and thank you so much for reading!

Until next time,

-Soul


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